Who have I become?

by Nicki
(Az)

I never knew how bad my periods were until I ended up in the hospital, dying because of the amount of blood I lost. I finally fainted at home and was taken to a walk-in clinic. I remember it was a Sunday and my family had been here plenty of times.

I was soon given an IV, the birth control pill, to control the bleeding, then sent home. Monday morning, I awoke, throwing up and stuck in the fetal position. I was taken to the nearest hospital put into a room and waited. Waited in a bed with my parents until a doctor entered the room. He asked my parents to leave.

I let him know we had no secrets and anything he had to tell/ask me is fine. The doctor accused me of having "sexual intercourse". He said he has never seen anyone lose so much blood caused by a cycle. I actually chuckled and my Mom started to cry. I actually lost my virginity when I was 19. After I graduated high school and was in love with my boyfriend of two years. I was not offended but my mother certainly was.

My parents took me to Overlake hospital where I was actually born. My mothers OBGYN treated me that day. He began a blood transfusion right away. I stayed overnight while I watched the nurses switch out the six units of blood. I was able to go home the next day and was put on every different birth control there was to help subside the cramping that came with every period.

I was put on celexa at 19 due to the sadness and anxiety I would have once a month. Eventually, my cramping was so bad, I was given my prescription of a pain medicine. By 27, I had had 3 laparoscopic surgeries, nerves cut from my uterus to my brain and put on every medication on the market.

I was married by now and wanted to try and have a baby. I knew I always wanted a baby, I was just afraid that once I was ready, I would find I was unable to conceive. Low and behold, I was told. By three different doctors. I kept trying though and after months I found out I was pregnant. It was a painful process however.

I was sick everyday. The pain that came along with my pregnancy was unbearable at times. My doctor said it was most likely the baby growing and she was ripping into and or through all the scar tissue I had from my surgeries.

She is here now though and she is absolutely amazing. Soon after I stopped breast feeding, the cramping started to return. It got so incredibly bad that I decided to have a "partial hysterectomy" I felt better for the first few weeks until I felt the exact same way I had prior.

My ovaries were taken out, my choice and I went into menopause right away as any estrogen could feed my endo. It has almost been two years later and I still have the menstrual cramping I had prior to my hysterectomy. Now I do not know what to do?

I cry myself to sleep a lot. I am bloated beyond belief, completely uncomfortable almost all the time and have a 20 month old that I have to be healthy for. I am not sad so much that I cannot produce a little sister for her. I am more upset that I cannot function the way I should be able to, and do all the things I would like to with her everyday.

I will not give up for my family. As of today, the pain management doctor I am seeing decided to take me from 10 to 2 pain pills a day within four weeks. To this day, I am given different opinions, advice, medications and orders from doctors.

I am 31 and in full blown menopause. I am scared and suffering with no answers and no hope at this point. I have been to therapy. I have seen all kinds of doctors in case this was something else, but this time, it is what it is. It is maddening.

Last summer, we found out that my mother has stage four lung cancer and life is not good some days. I just try and do the very best I can do. I appreciate you taking the time to read this and any insight is welcome. God bless and be kind. You never know what someone is going through.